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:: Member Since: 2009-08-10 18:14:54 ::

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:: The Basics
Age: 45
Ethnicity: Black
City, Region: Charlotte, North Carolina
Country: United States
Gender: Male
Height:  "
Weight: 0 pounds
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:: I Am Looking For
Sometimes I Felt Like A Fatherless Child THIS IS MY TRUE STORY !!! Very early on I remember becoming aware of my father’s absence.He was male enoough to make me but not man enough to claim me. I started out in life as my father's 'hit and run'.***** When I was five years old I had a male cousin who was at least 8 years older than me who began to spend a lot of time with me. Being that I was thirsty for a masculine bond I drank plentifully from the fountain of his attention. That is where the heartbreak of my story began.***** You see my cousin was gay and it wasn’t long until he started teaching me how to have sex with a man. He would tell other teenage boys in the community about how “good” I was and these sexual predators took advantage of my innocent and vulnerable prey of heart. The manhood that was never perfected by father’s hand was now being perverted by my molester’s touch and went on at their will repeatedly for years.***** To this day I have the painful memories of playing outside with my toys and friends and how my cousin would call me into the house. Sometimes the molestation would be so aggressive and violent that I would scream in pain. My cries could not be heard because the joyful sounds of the kids outside playing would drown them out. I was hearing the sounds of our neighborhood Disney World while being victimized in our neighborhood little shop of horrors.***** Growing into my teens I tried to suppress those horrible images but I could no longer. A rug with many things swept under it will always be a stumbling block and I kept tripping over my past. A past that is not re-leased will be re-lived. As a minister at that time I was torn and I knew I had to make a difficult decisionbecause I was confuse yet curois about future sexual encounters with other males. Refusing to preach one thing and practice another I stepped down from the ministry and removed myself from church altogether.***** Like a modern day prodigal I packed up my belongings and moved from A small town to escape my skeletons that had come out of their closet. I ended up in a much larger city which had a very accessible and vast gay subculture that my small hometown did not. The need to create a replacement for the Christian fellowship that I had grown accustomed to thrust me into the waiting arms of the “lifestyle”.*****Without warning, I found myself very promiscuous and sexually addicted. I began to frequent porn stores and chat lines seeking sexual encounters. It wasn’t uncommon for me to have multiple sexual encounters with random strangers in the same week and often in the same night!**** I would go into sex shops and enter into booths to have sex with strangers. The stench and sight of bodily fluids (semen,saliva, blood& urine) from the previous users on the floor and walls of those did not even matter.I felt internally stained so I was not bothered by the external filth around me. I even paid hundreds of dollars for sexual encounters with escorts or desperate drug addicts when I could not find sex for free. I even solicited 'straight' guys who had fallen on hard times and needed to get their 'hussle' on to survive. I had sex in cars, parks,on the job, in abandoned buildings and once on the outskirts of a cemetary. Sexing in that particular spot would soon be a shadow of things to come.*****I was looking for love in all the wrong places and when I though I found it , it wore all the wrong faces.I would pride myslef on my sexual ability and performance because that was the only way i felt I could 'earn' the worth to hear the words 'I LOVE YOU'. It was really that little boy inside my grown man's body just wanting a 'daddy' to love and accept him.***** My unrestrained sex drive was taking me nowhere fast. Sex was my addiction and years of abuse took its toll on my heart and emotions. The hundreds of encounters of “making love” never seemed to end with love making me. My practices started out being safe but loving sex and hating me made me comfortable with taking more and more risks.Having a high sex drive and a low sel esteem was convincing me to keep pushing the envelope. I played Russian Roulette with my health thinking the odds would always be in my favor.*****This was not to be the case. After being diagnosed with HIV I found myself in the suffering from what doctors called and AIDS-related pneumonia. My viral load was in the multiplied hundreds of thousands and I was down to on 20 cd4 cells (normal range is over 800). A young intern on the team of doctors that was caring for me told me that even with the best meds death was imminent.***** In a flash the story of my life played out on the stage of my mind and I was the lone patron weeping in the theater. None of my so-called friends came to see me or say their goodbyes. Even though a lot of people liked me none of them loved me and could care less wether I lived or died. The hundreds of quick flings were now racing me toward a dead end and would not slow down to let me off.***** Most nights I cried until my eyes had no more water to spare. The guilt and shame over the fact that I had done this to myself convinced me to just lay there and accept death. Often I would think about that scared little boyinside of me that death was about to forever orphan without knowing the love of a father. My sexual behavior was about to trade in his crib for my casket. I FELT LIKE A FATHERLESS CHILD!**** I never will forget the day that something happened that changed my life forever. One day I was lying in my hospital room and the phrase 'YEA THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE SHADOW OF DEATH I WILL FEAR NO EVIL FOR THOU ART WITH ME' shot through my dark soul like a thousand sunrises! In that moment I realized that God was the Father that had never left my side. The one set of footprints in my life's sands was not me walking along but a Father carrying a broken child.***** I cried out to Him for forgiveness and freedom the self imposed prision that had me bound. He restrained justice and released mercy.He looked beyond all my faults and that day He saw my needs! My eyes are now filling with tears as I still remember how it felt when His theraputic love washed away layers of guilt and shame that had clung to my heart and mind !**** That was several years ago. My viral load is undetectable which means that there is so little active HIV in my blood that it can’t be measured by lab tests. My cd-4 cell count is now within range of that of a normal immune system. I am living proof that you have got to have a tomorrow when your yesterday could not kill you!!!If you can relate to my story and want to talk i'm here. ILUVYA2LYFE!!!! To all the crying little boys reading this I remind you that Daddy loves you just the way you are but He loves you too much to let you stay that way !!!
:: Who I Am
To my HIV+ brothers I salute you as my fellow-SURVIVORS! We are in this together and we will will this together. Choose to live bitter and not better as a result of HIV. It is a diagnosis and not a death sentence. Even though you made this mistake you were not made a mistake and your best days are just ahead of you. Live your life with the urgency of now!**** To my HIV- brothers I BEGG you not to make my mistake. No mater how fine he is or how nice of a body he has NOBODY is worth dying for. Most positive brothers don't 'look' sick so be careful because all death aint ugly! Don't get so caught up in a moment that you sacrifice moments yet to live. Because of the rate this disease is spreading HIV is coming and I PRAY not to a mirror near YOU!!!**** To any brother that recognizes that I'm unselfishly using my page to educate and inspire I need your help. Have some friends read my story. Copy it and print it out if you like. Tagg it and encourage others to stop and read it. Help me to help others. EACH ONE CAN REACH ONE!!! The only thing needed for this evil disease to triumph is for good men like you and I to stand back and do nothing! Let's choose to light a candle and stop playing in the darkness!*** While I am a pastor when I am on this site I come to you as a HIV-Survivor that ONLY seeks to educate and isnpire!
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wrote at 2012-04-15 01:30:01



wrote at 2011-04-10 04:16:07

Happy Birthday


wrote at 2011-04-09 08:29:16

*****Happy Birthday*****


wrote at 2010-09-02 18:58:53

MAN....WHAT A STORY!! Sounds all too familiar with the gay community and acceptance to be loved. Your story is also inspiration to others. I pray your at peace( sounds like you do), and keeping your health up. GOD BLESS YOU


wrote at 2009-10-27 08:45:50


wrote at 2009-09-23 19:01:21

realist story i ever heard.never give up.god first


wrote at 2009-09-13 16:49:12




wrote at 2009-09-08 17:50:20

nice profile shawty stay up


wrote at 2009-09-04 12:24:29


wrote at 2009-08-31 00:57:29

major respect for you sharing this story...I had one of cousins to deal with AIDS and his story touched me the same way. i can relate to being the fatherless child and how you feel about your sexual ability awarding you love. But thank God someone loved me enough to bring me out of that low self-esteem. Even though we dont date anymore I still have major respect and love for him and im thankful he spoke into my life...and I pray that those who dont have that person will let this story speak into their lives

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